Yesterday (day 21) I had some of the worst nightmares so far, with psychotic dreams that seemed totally real. The difference with regular (non-morphine related) nightmares in my experience, and those on morphine, is that normally you can tell that you're dreaming especially as I can't move in bed or talk whilst asleep. On morphine, I'm able to have long conversations and gesticulate quite easily which makes the nightmares so much more realistic. I've already knocked my pills over whilst asleep thinking I was hitting something in my dreams, something that I've never been able to do, and my biggest fear is that I could pull my hickman line from the chest if the dreams got very bad or I could simply get out of bed and walk somewhere resulting in the same outcome, as I'm connected to the morphine pump.

I called the nurse who quickly came as she said she'd heard some noises from my room, which was me talking/ shouting (I couldn't tell). She thought that I may have been sick, nonetheless I was pretty shaken up so the morphine dose was lowered again to 1.9 mg per hour. I couldn't get to sleep so I half watched, half sleep through the women's curling finals. Although I missed the win itself I saw the prize giving. It must be said that the whole transplant was well timed since the worst part of the process after day 0 coincided with the Winter Olympics, so there was plenty of late night TV to keep me amused. If anything, I've come through this with a less vague understanding of curls, and understand ice hockey.

I learned that the morphine I've been getting is an extremely potent drug that is really sought after by drug addicts. I'm not surprised due to the weird experiences it causes, but for me it was a bit too freaky. We lowered the morphine again during the day to 1.7 ml per hour. I'd like to get off the stuff as soon as possible, not just because of its effects but also so I'm not attached to the IV drip. Since the morphine started I've been on the IV drip for the whole time except for showers in the morning. I can't walk anywhere in the room without pulling the stand with me, whether it's to go to the toilet or to brush the teeth.

The mouth was feeling better still but I felt quite giddy and light headed each time I stood up. After finishing breakfast (the usual Weetabix) I stood up to brush my teeth and immediately felt sick, so I had to throw it all up again. It turned out that I was quite dehydrated so I was given extra fluid in the form of a saline drip. That helped, and so did the blood transfusion I received that evening as my haemoglobin levels (red blood count) were a tad low. There was also a small increase in the neutrophil count from 0.11 to 0.12, and the hands and feet were becoming even more sensitive.

Today on day 22 I had a much better sleep but was still sleep talking. I was given a day off from the cyclosporine (anti-rejection) drug. The doctors monitor certain levels relating to the cyclosporine to make sure they fall between a certain range for each person based on weight, height and possibly other factors. As my levels were a little high I was given a 'rest' day which was very welcome. The cyclosporine drip gives me hot flushes which can be a little unpleasant. The weekend registrar saw me today on her rounds and was pleased with my progress particularly as the neutrophil count nearly doubled from 0.12 to 0.22 which was a great piece of news. In fact all the blood indicators rose, so that definitely means that engraftment is taking place. The haemoglobin count was notable higher but that can be attributed to the blood transfusion from last night.

There was no vomiting today and the eating was getting easier still, thus the mouth was continuing to improve with the tongue ulcers getting smaller. Although the hands were feeling a little better, my feet around the big toe and the ball of the sole were become very sensitive; another sign of graft vs host disease (GVHD).Also there are little red dots appearing on my feet and next to the ankles, similar to those one my hands which are caused by a low platelet count (lack of blood clotting). I have still lost some weight and am now down to just under 84kg, but am feeling a lot better as the appetite has improved. Morphine levels were lowered twice yesterday, first from 1.7 to 1.5 ml per hour and then down to 1.3 ml per hour without any effects. The morphine has to be brought down gradually just like crack addicts, otherwise there is the risk of the cold turkey effect which is clearly not what we would want.