Yesterday began on the wrong footing after a restless nights sleep. The probable cause was that just before going to sleep that evening the morphine was dropped considerably to 0.2 ml per hour after starting the day on 0.5 ml per hour. I had minor hot and cold flushes, nothing severe but enough to disrupt the sleep somewhat. I'm sure the loss in body weight has also contributed to this because I feel far more susceptible to the cold. Everybody else who comes in the room feels fine whereas I'm the shivering wreck under a cloack of sheets like a shepherd. Not to mention that one of the agency nurses sneaked off with one of my pillows yesterday and then played dumb when I asked for it back. I had to fold a thick blanket and it felt like sleeping on stone....not pleasant.

To top it off I felt pretty weak, and when trying to clear my throat from the phlegm that can accumulate during the night I triggered of Mr. Wretch. I'm sitting up in bed puking nothing but going through all the motions until the convulsions pass. At least I'm getting some form of exercise, and maybe there will be signs of a six-pack if this continues. At least the hands and feet are feeling notably better, not that I felt like using them because I was so tired and stayed in bed yet again.

After breakfast came the toughest ordeal - vegetable soup. The hospital menu becomes less appealing by the meal, but you've got to make the most of the situation and eat, knowing that to do otherwise will jeopardise my health even more, so each spoon full is a bit of an endurance test. The last thing you want to do is try and stuff your face till you start vomiting, but you know where you limits are. I'm still making an effort to drink as much fluid as possible to ensure that my internals are kept clean and so far it seems to be working. The liver was better than before without any notable palpitations (tenderness).

As if by magic the massage therapist appeared, and that was the turning point of the day. I was able to get a few niggles off my chest and have a deeper look within myself whilst having a hand/arm and back massage. The lava lamp and the subtle lighting in the room with the side lights certainly helped to create the atmosphere to enable me to completely unwind and refocus my energy. Despite being due for a haemoglobin top-up as the red cell count fell to 8.9 again I felt totally invigorated after the session. My bloods had shown another increase with the neutrophils rising to 0.36 which is exactly what we're hoping for.

For what it's worth, I've found it helpful to try and relax and try and go through some visualisations of what's going on in my body and imaging the marrow taking up. Also I've got a video of my kitesurfing in the sun from Christmas to remind me of where I want to be later on this year. Just imaging yourself in good situations often helps me to relax and focus. Basically you've got to try anything in this situation because keeping a positive and focused mind definitely goes someway in helping one feel better. It's also been a great support knowing that family and friends are constantly reminding you that they're thinking/praying for a good recovery. All these things I believe can help to compliment the treatment in the hospital and can also provide some inspiration when things get down. On the flip side, when I've felt rough and lethargic, I've just let myself stay in bed without trying to force myself to do things that you really don't feel like doing. It's only natural to feel low at some points so I've learned no to fight against it. By the time the blood transfusions had finished I felt a completely different person to the one I was that morning.

It followed that I had a good sleep last night, and finally turned the morphine down to 0.1 ml per hour for the night with the aim of being 'drug' free today. This morning was the first time in quite a while that I actually ate my breakfast when it was delivered. Normally I've felt so tired that I've left all my meals for 30 - 40 minutes before attempting to eat them. So the hot milk for the cereal or the cooked meals are cold, but today I managed all three meals in good time. The bangers and mash at lunch time went down a treat, probably because it was the first time I'd eaten it. Perhaps in three days I'll be writing something else. The hands and feet have continued to show improvement, with the right hand feeling nearly normal though quite dry, and left hand probably a day behind and just as dry. The morphine was finally removed at lunch time, so now I'm officially unattached.

More good news today with the bloods, the neutrophils have risen to 0.47. The doctors on their main Monday afternoon round said that they were quite chuffed with my progress and basically said I was as good as non-neutropoenic. I'd prefer to wait until tomorrow's bloods before jumping in agreement with that statement, however the consultant reckoned that if things continue to progress are the current rate I could even be home within a week. Hearing this was actually very emotional, but I don't want to get ahead of myself and become big-headed, because in these situations you cannot afford to become complacent and run the risk of tempting fate. None-the-less, when you realise how conservative doctors are, there must be some value to their words, so it's just a case of keeping a positive frame of mind. Another first, I changed my own dressing for the hickman line this evening under the supervision of super-nurse Denise. I'll be expected to do these daily when I get 'released home soon.

As an aside, a little bird has told me Alison in room 2 (right next door) and her friends have been reading the website as she's going through something similar. Well, "hi" Alison and friends, I hope you're doing well. You may have heard me making funny noises in the loo when I'm not so good, but don't let that put you off. I can hear the same things in the room next door to me, and everyone has to go through this as I'm sure you're more than well aware of. I hope you and your friends can find something of use from these accounts, I'm only next door and you're more than welcome to have a chat...you can do it!!!